


‘til my lips turn blue

by allthempickles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Angst, Arguing, Canon Compliant, Canon Dialogue, Dialogue Heavy, Episode Related, Episode: s04e19 Jump the Shark, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-09 07:33:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16445522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthempickles/pseuds/allthempickles
Summary: Episode 4x19Dean can't understand why Sam wants to introduce Adam to the life of hunting.





	‘til my lips turn blue

'And I would have stayed if you asked me to  
Stood outside till my lips turn blue  
I wouldn't have blamed you  
For leaving me there on the porch while you drank gasoline'

Funeral Pyre - Julien Baker

 

“With a homemade flamethrower?”

 

Sam is teaching Adam about hunting and Dean really, really doesn’t like that this is a thing.

 

“Yeah. They're easy to build. I'll show you.”

 

“That is some job you got, man.”

 

Yeah, Christ. Sure is. Dean can’t believe Sam actually wants to tell Adam about all this. It hurts a little. Sure, Dean was the one who didn’t trust Adam at first, but the kid had a life. Still in college. Adam reminds him of Sam. Dean pulled Sam away from college and his life, and he still feels guilt about it. And now Sam has said he can’t imagine going back, doesn’t want that life anymore.

 

Sam suddenly becomes very serious, changing gears very quickly.

 

“Being a hunter isn't a job, Adam. It's life. You're pre-med. You got a girlfriend, friends?”

 

Yeah, Sam. Yeah, of course he does. And so did you. Adam nods.

 

“Not anymore you don't. If you're really gonna do this, you can't have those kinds of connections, ever. They're weaknesses. You'll just put those people in danger, get them killed. That's the price we pay. You cut 'em out, and you don't look back. There's only one thing you can count on. Family.”

 

Oh. Oh fuck. Dean’s heard these words before. He knows how much they hurt Sam way back then. No, no. This has to stop.

 

“Sam. Can I talk to you?”

 

Sam looks over at him. Dean knows he’s just leading them towards another argument. Sam knows that’s where this is heading too. All they do now is argue and fight. He feels bad, but he can’t in good conscience stand by while Sam talks to this kid like that. Sam gets up and follows him into the hallway.

 

“Sam, what the hell was that?”

 

Sam acts like he doesn’t know what Dean is talking about, but he has to. He must. Dean remembers that night so incredibly clearly.

 

“'Hunting is life. You can't have connections.' Dad gave you that exact same speech, remember? It was just before you ditched us for Stanford. You hated Dad for saying that stuff, and now you're quoting him?”

 

“Yeah, well, turns out Dad was right.”

 

“Since when?”

 

“Since always. Dean, when I look at Adam, you know what I see?”

 

“A normal kid.”

 

“No.” No? That’s not what he sees? No. “Meat. Because to the demons and monsters out there, that's all he is. I hated Dad for a long time. I did. But now I think I understand. So we didn't have a dog and a white picket fence. So what? Dad did right by us. He taught us how to protect ourselves. Adam deserves the same.”

 

Did right by us. Dean cannot believe that. Dean remembers all the times he had to comfort Sam after fights with Dad. Remembers how bad Sam was hurt when he got this Sam speech that he was just giving Adam. Remembers their isolating, lonely childhood. Dean never really tried to have a normal life, but it was all Sam ever wanted. Dean knows that Dad always wanted to be able to shape Sam the way he shaped Dean, and knows that Sam hated being controlled.

 

And maybe it’s Dean’s fault for always following Dad’s every word, but Sam doesn’t seem to understand how much he hurt Dean too. It’s something that Dean can’t really put words to. Yeah, maybe Dad did his best but Dean was left alone to raise Sammy. He was just a kid and he was taking care of his kid brother and managing his father’s grief and anger. Dean hurts and aches in his chest at the memories of all the times he wasn’t allowed to cry and didn’t have anyone to go to. He remembers all of the times John took his anger at Sam out on Dean. So, did he really do best by them when now they can’t talk without yelling and fighting?

 

“Listen to yourself, man.”

 

“You think I’m wrong?” Yeah, of course Sam thinks he’s wrong. Dean feels a wave of exhaustion crash over him.

 

“I think it's too late for us. This is our life. This is who we are, okay? And it's fine. I accept that. But with Adam, he's still got a chance, man. He can go to school. He could be a doctor.”

 

“What makes Adam so special?” Sam says.

 

What makes Adam so special? Nothing. But just because something happened to us doesn’t mean anyone else deserves to have the same happen to them. They can’t take this out on him. Dean already feels bad about his initial reaction to the photo Adam showed him. It hurts like hell, but at least the kid’s life didn’t also get ruined. Suddenly he feels punchy, angry.

 

“What, are you jealous of the kid?”

 

“Are you?”

 

What kind of question-

 

“Of course I’m jealous! I’d give so much to have had a normal childhood.” Dean is hissing in anger now, unable to contain his fury. “And Sam, so would you a year ago. What the fuck happened to you, man? He deserves normal the same way we did.”

 

“Dean...all this...it's not real. The dad Adam knew—he wasn't real. The things out there in the shadows—they are real. The world is coming to an end. That's real. Everything else is just part of the crap people tell themselves to get through the day.”

 

“It was real for him. Maybe Dad didn't have a choice with us. But with Adam, he did. Adam doesn't have to be cursed.”

 

“He's a Winchester. He's already cursed.”

 

Oh god, and wasn’t that true. Dean didn’t want to believe it, but it certainly felt that way. Fuck that. There has to be some way out, Dean wants to prove to the world that there’s another chance for them.

 

“No. No, whatever's hunting Adam, I’m gonna find it.”

 

“You already looked everywhere, Dean.” There’s a look of pity in Sam’s eyes, and he reaches out as if to comfort Dean. Somehow it makes Dean even angrier, makes that ache in his chest dig even deeper.

 

“Well, then I’ll look again.”

 

\---

 

When Dean finds Adam’s body he has trouble not letting the tears slip. He has to keep moving, cause whatever it is up there with Sam, it’s not Adam. It hurts though, because when they first arrived Dean told Sam it was a trap, that Adam couldn’t be real. Sam was the one willing to believe. He always was more open-minded.

 

Eventually Dean went along, mixed feelings, but he wanted it to be okay. It was his job to protect his family. He had to keep Adam safe. Needed Adam to make it, to let Adam have his normal memories. Needed Adam not to be cursed like him and Sam.

 

\---

 

They’re lighting Adam’s pyre.

 

“Maybe we can bring him back. Get a hold of Cas, call in a favor.” Sam says.

 

“No,” Dean feels hopeless, lost, “Adam's in a better place.”

 

He’s not sure if he really believes that, but this life is so hard. So awful and cruel. Maybe it would be better to just get out when the world gives them a chance. Dean’s died and come back enough times. He can’t even remember most of them.

 

“You know, I finally get why you and Dad butted heads so much. You two were practically the same person.” Dean hesitates for a moment, not wanting to let his voice shake. “I mean, I worshipped the guy, you know? I dressed like him, I acted like him, I listen to the same music.” All Dean ever wanted was to impress his father. He wanted to be like him.

 

“But you were more like him than I will ever be. And I see that now.” What Dean doesn’t say is: “and it scares me. You scare me.”

 

“I'll take that as a compliment.”

 

“You take it any way you want.”

**Author's Note:**

> title from "Funeral Pyre" by Julien Baker  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0MMGV02m84
> 
> shout out to supernaturalwiki for their transcript of the episode  
> http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/4.19_Jump_the_Shark_(transcript)


End file.
